After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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