Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
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