I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
