i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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