Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
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