Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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