make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
i've created a new STD.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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