So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Randomize
