even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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