My friends, they love my intelligence
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
