it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
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Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
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I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
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