remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
