Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
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