Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Randomize
