i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
