There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
