Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
