i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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