Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
