I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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