I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize
