I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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