Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
you will always have a special place in my vag
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
