my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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