guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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