Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Randomize
