Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
