i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
