Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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