his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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