I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
