My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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