32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Randomize
