She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
