Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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