I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Hello my rib-scented angel!
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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