i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Randomize
