How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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