What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
question - sack: should she or should she not play with it during foreplay?
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Come back. Shots need mouths.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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