I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
