watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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