you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
