Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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