i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
