We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
