okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
