I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
