So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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