the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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