dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
