The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
