her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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