Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
