It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
