I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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