I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE