Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
