Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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