Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Randomize
