I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
We need to get me chipped asap
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
