the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
